Handcuffed to the brass pole at a strip club when I was 17. Pants dropped, fully wedgy, whipped by the dancer while she danced and grinded behind me. Then ran into a former teacher from my high school there.

I was smoking a cigarette outside a bar in NYC and some guy came up to me and held his ham and cheese sandwich to my neck and yelled, ‘give me everything In your pockets’. I laughed because I thought he was kidding. Then he yelled it again. I then laughed even harder as I asked him if he was really trying to rob me with a ham and cheese. He said, ‘this is real. Give me everything you got’. I again laughed in his face and went back into the bar. Nobody believed that a guy try to rob me with a ham and cheese.

Happened to my brother. We were endurance racing a Miata when the fuel filler hose exploded due to pressure build-up and gas spilled out everywhere. The gas hit something hot and BOOM, huge fireball with my brother trapped inside. We heard him scream on the radio as he fought to get out. I can’t even describe the fear and pain in that scream. He got out on his own but had to be airlifted to a burn unit. 3rd degree burns on 25% of his body, multiple surgeries, and months in the hospital and rehab. Less than a year later he was back in a race car testing. The following year he ran 6 races. He’s a certified badass.

I pulled a ‘There’s Something About Mary’ and zipped my junk up in three different places.

On my way to school when I was 17, I was blocked in by cops at an intersection with their guns drawn, and told to get out of the car when I was 17. Detained and had my car searched…. turns out a woman fitting my description in a white Jeep (also me) had held up a credit union at gunpoint a couple of blocks away. If ever there was any larceny in my bones- it was cured that day. They were super nice after they realized the woman was in her twenties, I was unarmed, and I didn’t even have enough money for gas. It felt like forever but the whole ordeal was about 15 minutes. I tried to explain why I was late to school and no one believed me.

I was DJing at an indoor soccer field and it became a giant orgy rave. The whole thing was shut down after the owner came by to see how things were going. You’ve never seen so many naked bodies in your life rolling their balls off with the lights on running around.

I survived a plane crash and a glider crash.

I once convinced the owner of a piano bar that I was an up-and-coming country singer who just got signed and was out celebrating. I had a couple of my big friends pretend they were security for me so anywhere I went, they went. I had to take a leak and one walked into the bathroom before me while the other stood outside the door with me, when the first friend came back out he said all clear I went in pissed and my two buddy’s waited outside the door shoulder to shoulder not letting anyone in. After that, we went and sat down in a booth the owner comes over invites us to the VIP section and gives us bottle service. The owner asked multiple times if he could schedule me to come do an acoustic set. We drank and ate for free! One of the most fun nights of my life!

I got lost in Korea with a buddy of mine and ended up on a Korean tour bus. We rode around the countryside with 40 of our new friends and no English. Finally got back to a city and bailed out at a stoplight so we could find a taxi back to base.

A frog jumped out of a tree, into my moving car. He rode with me the rest of the way to work while staring at me from the dash.

I had a Taxi door ripped out of my hand and as I was getting out by another Taxi in Manhattan once. If it had been 1 second later than it was, I’d probably be missing a leg…or two. The other taxi just drove off.

I was at a Springsteen concert in Oakland, Ca. The show was at a small theater. My wife and I went to the restrooms. As I walked out of the men’s room I came face to face with Robin Williams. I spoke to him for just a bit until he said, “I really need to pee.” I thanked him and he went to the men’s room.

I saw Coolio at the airport before I flew to Colorado. When I landed in Colorado I met Snoop Dogg in the baggage claim. He signed my boarding pass.

Once hit a golf shot from 150 yards out The ball flew over the green and landed in my buddy’s side cargo pocket.

Delivered a baby in an elevator, barehanded and single-handedly.

I met Afroman before a concert in Colorado and he was having trouble opening his bag of weed so my wife ended up opening it for him and we all smoked a joint together.

When I was in middle school some high school girls got annoyed with my friends and me outside the movie theatre. She then threatened to beat us with her friend’s prosthetic leg…which she ripped off her friend’s body without warning.

On a family trip to Vegas when my younger brother finally turned 21, I decided to spend a night exploring. I ended up walking to the Rio when I noticed a gala-type thing. I saw some employees smoking outside so I made friends and went in. It was the AVN. There were porn stars everywhere. It was crazy. I went to use the washroom and it was like an orgy in there. Needless to say, I was in over my head and needed to GTFO because it was too real. Pretty cool experience though, they are as gorgeous in real life as they are on video.

Four pigeons flew into my minivan while I was driving with one window halfway down and they got stuck in the back of my fucking van shitting everywhere for about 5 miles in traffic where I got out of my vehicle to release the little shits like wedding doves from the back hatch. Yep.

My amazing dad was at a dinner party that Barbara Bush was attending. He walked up with a plate of asparagus and stated quite profoundly, ‘this is what an alien dick looks like’ and walked off. I often wonder how much she thought about that statement.

Got a solid 8hrs of sleep and woke up rested.